The Battle
by AllTimeNatalie
Summary: The words that have yet been spoken the things I need to say. To voice what's within my heart I just can't find a way. I've fought with my emotion; I've held them deep inside. I didn't want to face what for so long you've tried to hide. Real-life fic.


**Disclaimer: I know you aren't meant to write real life fics but we're all light, kind hearted Boosh fans who were terrified for Noel when he got addicted to drugs so no, I don't own the characters or the people but I had to write. Yes, I did say I don't own anything in this story so yes, this is a disclaimer. :D **

**Summary: ****The words that have yet been spoken the things I need to say. To voice what's within my heart I just can't find a way. I've fought with my emotion; I've held them deep inside. I didn't want to face what for so long you've tried to hide. Real-life fic****  
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>I got the poem in the summary from here, read the whole thing if you want. Read it if you want. I thought it was absolutely breathtaking and so I don't get in trouble I want to point out I didn't write, I don't own it. : ) I do use stanzas from it and I recommend it to you that you read it all the way through without my story because it's absolutely beautiful. :') <p>

Source: .?poem=19622#ixzz1KRQ2psUB

**Title: The Battle. **

**A/N: Dedicated to all my fanfiction friends I have met through this site, you all are amazing and this is just for you! :- ) **

**The Battle. **

_The words that have yet been spoken  
>the things I need to say.<br>To voice what's within my heart  
>I just can't find a way.<em>

He needed to say so much to Julian before he walked out on him. Maybe too much. Maybe the words that lingered around him, that got stuck in his throat, were just what he needed to pull him from insanity. The words that had been spoken, the mindless, tedious words that Julian had tried to say to pull him from the depths of his addiction were simply not strong enough. Their argument felt more like a lecture. He had brought up Russell and how the drugs affected him… and that had pushed Noel too far. It was as though his body was a battle field. His mind told him to take it but his heart told him to stop. He needed to tell Julian exactly what his heart was telling him, that he was in trouble. He needed to say exactly how he sat up at night because he couldn't sleep, because he was terrified to death of what was going to happen. But he couldn't. He just couldn't find a way to paraphrase the feeling of addiction because nothing made it sound better, nothing supported it; it all pointed to the truth and Noel just wasn't ready to face that yet.

_I've fought with my emotions  
>I've held them deep inside.<br>I didn't want to face what for so long  
>you've tried to hide.<em>

He'd tried not to show it, the fear and pain he felt. He'd tried to cover up the nosebleeds and suspicions he knew Julian, Mike and Dave would pick up on. Julian had a family; Russell had a wife, Mike had his friends and Dave had his. None of them cared, none of them took a passing glance at what was right in front of them… or so he thought. He'd plastered the wide grin and the comedic faces over his tears just to prove that he was alright. Just to show he knew what he was getting into. But Julian knew. He'd known all along. He'd been the first to know and he'd lied to himself that it was a one-off. He'd told himself again and again that it wasn't an addiction; it was a stupid one-night phase. That Noel was clever, he'd know not to take the cocaine because he'd seen drugs destroy Russell… but he was all too wrong. He wasn't ready to face his best friend's addiction but he already had.

_I've been lost within the dark  
>for so long I've seen no light.<br>Holding on to the memory  
>of a time when things were right<em>

It felt as though Noel was lost, alone in the world he saw so wonderfully. He was alone in the world that was hidden behind a thick mask of drugged up pictures and over-enthusiastic imagination. It was like he was cast into the darkness, forgotten, left behind, an outcast. He remembered the good times he'd had. The memories of a time when everything was all too good to be true, the one's he'd gone and ruined with his addiction. He'd picture Julian and Mike singing to Gary Numan in the van as they drove from a successful live show whilst he and Dave played tick-tack-toe with gummy bears. He remembers making fun of Jimmy Carr alongside Russell on Big Fat Quiz of the Year and then two years later with Richard. He remembers cuddling up to Dee when he got cold and making her dress as an elephant for Boosh. Of course, he clung to those memories because they were all he had left, everything else had plummeted to the centre of the earth, leaving him on his own to deal with the hard times on his own.

_I've looked upon your face  
>and seen the sadness in your eyes.<br>The battle of addiction  
>you no longer can disguise.<em>

Julian and Mike had noticed it. They'd seen the coke take its affect on him. They'd heard him cry and seen the sad dashes of wetness in his stares. They'd seen the stoned hints of addiction he just couldn't hide anymore.

"Noel, you're better than this, you don't need it, you know what drugs can do." Mike had told him as he stared up at his face, stared into the sadness of his emotions that he covered up.

_I've prayed to find the answers  
>of what I myself must do.<br>And I've prayed for the strength to fight  
>through the hell that I go through.<em> 

However Julian wasn't too wrong. Noel knew to stop. He knew that if he didn't, he would drive himself and everyone who cared about him into the dirt. He'd prayed again and again to a God he wasn't sure existed for the strength to fight. He'd prayed for the devil to release him and for God to give him the answers to how he could stop. His mother had prayed and his father. His parents had tried to guide him away from them. His friends and family had tried t supply enough strength to warrant him putting Hell out or taking it over but they weren't strong enough.

_I've held on for so long  
>but I can no longer watch you die.<br>I cannot fight this for you  
>but lord knows how I've tried.<em>

Julian and Mike couldn't watch him tear his life from him bit by bit. His mother could sit back and watch the theatre production he was putting on. They couldn't fight the battle for him, they couldn't make him give up or give up for him even thought they had tried. They had all tried to force the reality into him, to make him realise what it was doing to him but he wouldn't listen and when he did, it was too much to bear.

_It's just so hard to watch the ones you love  
>slowly slip away.<br>That's why I just blocked it out  
>and held on to yesterday.<br>_

They all loved him more than anything else in the world. He was or was like family to each and every one of them. That's why it was so difficult to watch him fall. No one was there to catch him this time; no one could catch him because he was already in too deep. So instead, his mother blocked it out. And so did his father. They pretended it wasn't happening in hope that some day, things would be normal and until they were, they'd see things like they were okay, like it was another day.

_I don't have all the answers  
>or the power to save your soul.<br>You're broken, lost and lonely  
>and I cannot make you whole. <em>

It was as though every time he snorted the powdery substance, another piece of him broke away. Another piece of the Noel Fielding everyone loved was gone and it couldn't come back. He was broken and the puzzle didn't fit. He was just too stubborn to take anyone's advice on this and that was why he was so alone and so lost. Julian had wanted to make him whole again but he couldn't. His family, friends and colleagues wanted to make him whole but no one could because he was losing the battle that cocaine had already won.

_This fight is yours and yours alone  
>no matter what I do.<br>For I cannot save you  
><em>

"Help me Ju, please help me!" He'd whined that night he'd taken too much and stepped over the edge. It had broken his heart to tell his best friend who meant everything to him "I can't." He could have done something, there were options there to take but no matter which one he took, they all lead to the same final battle. He'd told him he couldn't save him or win the battle for him, that…

_The only one who can is you._

_**A/N: Okay so this took some writing to do. A lot was deleted and added in and changed to make this. I'm not saying this is how it happened; this is just what I feel drug taking must be like because of all the stories and it broke my heart to see Noel do that to himself so here is my take. I know, I know you're not suppose to write non-fiction but I just think fanfic is about spreading emotion through writing so here it is! Review and I am sorry about nagging about not writing fiction… I'll shut up. ;) Specially dedicated to That Reckless Girl and Smelling Margret for being the awesomist in Fanfic palls and dedicated to those who I haven't mentioned who are also awesome. Thank you for reading, bye!. :') **___


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